In a Sarcastic World, be Sincere.

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." Ephesians 4:29

One of the best traits of a 4-year-old is their earnestness.

My son, Malachi, only knows how to speak with sincerity. He has no idea what sarcasm is, his words are just exactly what he’s thinking (sometimes to a fault!). And when I watch him interact with his best friends, they just say the truth to each other without any posturing, any making fun, or any concern for how encouragement might make them look weak. I remember one of his friends coming over and his friend saying, “Malachi, that shirt is so cool! Check out my new socks!” It’s so genuine.

At some point, most adults lose this earnestness and pick up the cultural language: sarcasm.

I don’t mean humor (sarcasm isn’t humor). I mean sarcasm, “the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.” It’s language that is meant to demean others (or yourself). It’s meant to cut, to hurt, and often to set oneself above another. A sarcastic person is, essentially, always asking the question, “What is there to make fun of, right now?”

The very word sarcasm derives from Greek words that means “tearing of the flesh.” It feels good to tear someone down; it hurts to be on the receiving side of it. Think about the last time someone made a sarcastic comment to you - did it help you? Did it bring you closer to them? Did it make you feel good? Did you appreciate it? It’s passive-aggressive and intended to put down, in various degrees.

My wife, a teacher who was taught to never, ever use Sarcasm in the classroom, put it this way: “Sarcasm is lazy. It’s just easier than saying what you actually mean and taking the time to have a real conversation about it.”

Guys, we’ve got to lose this cultural norm. Sarcasm has got to be cut out of our language.

Growing up, we were pretty sarcastic, I was no stranger to the language of irony. It was our way of communication, a familial dialect of sorts. Yet, as I navigated through my 20s, I discovered the comfort being with someone who embodied both kindness and candor—someone who spoke plainly, without the need for interpretation or guessing the seriousness hidden behind humor.

Over the years, I’ve gravitated toward friends that I can be real with and are real with me. I’ve learned the comfort of being around sincere people - I’m married to an incredibly sincere woman! Spending time with people who put you down is a bummer. Spending time with people who are sincere and give courage to you? That’s a gift.

And as a leader within the church, it is crucial (biblically so) that you understand this.

Sarcasm needs to go.

The Default American Language

The cultural shift away from earnestness really began to take root in the counter-cultural revolution of the 1950s and 1960s, marking a departure from sincerity. That’s not to say people weren’t sarcastic before, but sarcasm became fashionable in the 60s as the culture shifted to anti-establishment, detachment, indifference, and above all, a reverence for individualism.

In the decades since, sarcasm is everywhere. It’s in our media, from the sarcastic “wit” of Chandler Bing in Friends to the endless streams of ironic content on TikTok, and even influencing our perception of news and technology. I think of Julius Caesar's words: "In the end, it is impossible not to become what others believe you are." Our culture's deep-seated sarcasm shapes us more than we might admit, fostering a collective skepticism that challenges the very notion of authenticity.

In 2015, Jill and I were on our honeymoon in Miami and I picked up "The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt" by Edmund Morris, intrigued by the life of such a complex man. Roosevelt, though capable of sharp wit, chose to engage with his family and friends with warmth and sincerity. He would write his friends letters to express gratitude even for the smallest afternoon visit (150,000 letters in his lifetime!). That struck a chord with me. At that moment, days into my marriage, I committed to forego sarcasm in my interactions with my wife and future children. I would do everything I could to communicate with earnestness, instead. Truth and kindness would be the language of our household. If I was angry or frustrated, I would simply say so, rather than sharpening the knife of sarcasm and letting them guess the reason for the hurt.

This yearning for authenticity isn't isolated to personal anecdotes. It reflects a broader societal craving, especially prominent among Gen Z. In every study you’ll ever see about Gen Z, they rank authenticity as their most valued trait, even above ambitions of wealth or long-term plans. It's a telling sign of our collective desire for connections rooted in truth, kindness, and vulnerability.

The irony and skepticism that have become hallmarks of American culture not only define our collective identity but also reveal a deep-seated longing for something more genuine. We are, as a society, starving for moments of sincerity, for interactions unmarred by the underlying question of "how much of a joke was that joke?"

In embracing sincerity, we offer not just words, but relational stability. We provide a foundation where friends and family need not doubt the sincerity behind our expressions of care and appreciation. This is the power of choosing to be earnest in a sarcastic world. It’s a form of rebellion, a counter-cultural stance that asserts the value of being genuine in a world that often rewards the opposite.

You will be like a lighthouse in your community.

A Biblical Argument

If all of this came down to cultural differences, “Oh, it’s just how we talk in America,” we could disagree and both be right. But Scripture gives the Christian guidance here. There’s a lot we could unpack in Scripture on this topic, so I’m going to zero-in on just one question - what are the elements of Godly speech?

Let’s briefly consider the entire book of James, but begin at chapter 3.

"But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere." -James 3:17

Just some setup for that verse - chapter 3 begins with a warning about the dangers of the tongue and the disproportionate effect it can have despite its small size. He compares it to a small spark that sets a great forest on fire. James points out the inconsistency both blessing God and cursing people, who are made in God's likeness, with the same mouth.

Let that sink in. Is there any chance you’ve been guilty of that? (My hand is up)

Following this caution about the tongue's power, James delves into the nature of wisdom. He criticizes the "wisdom" that is driven by bitter jealousy and selfish ambition, describing it as earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. This kind of wisdom leads to disorder and every vile practice. Is there a chance that when you deflect with a sarcastic comeback, the person you’re talking with becomes angry and maybe even does the same thing?

Then, James introduces the concept of “wisdom from above” in verse 17. This verse is a culmination of his argument, presenting the characteristics of heavenly wisdom. He describes it as pure, peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial, and sincere. James is telling Christians to pursue a wisdom that reflects the heart and character of God.

And in this passage, James is saying that our very words can do this.

If that feels impossible, it would be - if you were entirely on your own. But in this same book, James gives us the solution (and it’s right at the start).

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” James 1:5

We pray. The way we speak and act should be congruent with God’s divine attributes. James 3:17 gives us the expectations for Godly speech, and James 1:5 tells us how we get there. Read that passage again and think about your everyday language:

"But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere." -James 3:17

This is a call to more, to better. I don’t know about you, but I would love to talk with the person who has all those attributes in verse 17.

I would love for my friends and my family to describe my communication style as first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. Holy cow.

James 3:17 serves as a rally to Christians to embody the values of the Kingdom of Heaven in their interactions with others, demonstrating a wisdom that is markedly different from the world's. And how do we get there? We pray and ask God for help.

This is like the kind of “give us this day our daily bread” kind of prayer, something you’ll need to ask God’s help for each morning. What a gift!

How We Talk About This at Arrowhead

At Arrowhead Church, we have a set of statements about what a good leader does called “leadership behaviors.” One of those leadership behaviors we talk a lot about is “Say So,” and it’s about speaking with sincerity. Here’s how we define “Say So:”

“Speak encouragement and honor when it’s deserved. Say the hard truth when it’s necessary. If the Spirit prompts the supernatural, speak up.”

We include this behavior in our leadership training because what we say matters. If a leader is constantly sarcastic, putting down others, speaking behind someone’s back, sending mixed and unclear signals, and highly skeptical of people’s motives- that’s not a good leader. That’s not anyone you’d want to follow.

Someone who speaks plainly, whom you can trust is telling you the truth, is kind, goes out of their way to encourage others, who shares the vulnerable parts of their lives with you - that’s a leader worth following. Sincerity matters.

My Challenge to You

As we navigate the complexities of modern life, the appeal of sincerity becomes increasingly clear. In a world plagued by misinformation and a pervasive sense of uncertainty, the act of being sincere is both radical and necessary. It's a commitment to building connections that are deeply rooted in authenticity and trust.

• Pray for “wisdom from above”

• Say plainly what you mean

• Say “thank you,” even for the small stuff

• Tell your friends you love them

• Give candid feedback; challenge those you love with earnestness

• Don’t gossip

• Fight the temptation toward sarcasm

• Don’t make any assumptions about motivations

So, in a sarcastic world, let's choose to be sincere. Let's dare to be earnest and authentic, surprising others with our commitment to genuineness. It's a choice that not only defines our personal interactions but also serves as a beacon of steadfastness in a culture desperate for truth, kindness, and vulnerability.